CambridgeToday received the following letter to the editor from Ward 7 councillor Scott Hamilton.
Death is one of the most uncomfortable and awkward things a family can discuss at any age.
As we grow older, bonds of respect and love intensify just as we become implicitly aware our window of time on this Earth is closing. This makes the conversation even harder.
We put the “death talk” off to our detriment. Until an unexpected day arrives, and the bell tolls for a loved one, and your world is flipped upside down.
My wake-up call was the morning of Aug. 28. It was just a normal day. I arrived at my mother’s home to drop off my four-year-old son for the day. I was worried why she wasn’t responding to my texts or calls, despite chatting the day before. “She’s just busy,” I kept convincing myself. Until we found her in her kitchen. A sudden, severe heart attack, with no warning signs, occurred the night before.
The day we all denied would come had suddenly arrived. Mom was gone.
Canada’s population is aging fast. One-fifth of the population — more than seven million Canadians — are older than 65 years. According to Canadian Business Magazine, “The next 10 years will bring the highest death rates of all time, and they’ll be brought to us by the baby boomers.”
Let’s turn to the elephant in the room. Gen Xers, Millennials, kids, have you asked your parents about their death? Baby boomers, have you gotten your “house in order” so a sudden or accidental death doesn’t leave your panicked family playing detective over your assets, accounts and wishes?
Let’s start this conversation and review some basics families should know:
A legal will When my mom died, I found myself in her home that evening, pouring through her closets and drawers searching for her will. Not the best way to end a traumatizing day. Boomers, make sure your family or executors know exactly where your will is, and who your lawyers are, and keep your will up to date.
Your financial accounts Are they scattered over a multitude of banks, credit cards, investments and assets? Either consolidate them in advance, or provide a complete list — maybe even with account names and passwords in a safety deposit box, if you have one — so your family’s not left piecing a jigsaw puzzle together in pain.
Life insurance Did you know most of your assets — investments, bank monies, house, etc. — cannot be given to your family until your entire estate has made its way through the probate (legal court) process? Adding beneficiaries can bypass probate, but it still takes time to settle most accounts. Life insurance becomes an essential and fast way your family can pay for your death and funeral expenses.
Talk about more than just cremation or burial If cremated, what do you want to be placed into? How many vessels, for how many people? Do you want your ashes scattered, and where? Same with a burial: where, in what, with whom? Make your wishes known, especially how you want your celebration of life or funeral to unfold — and how to pay for it.
Write down or video who you really are It’s odd, but many of us don’t know our parent’s favourite song, favourite album, favourite book, favourite poem, best childhood memory, first car, first house and much else. Leave stories of your life and your favourite things. Future generations will thank you.
This list goes on and on. But these are some essentials every single family should discuss.
My mom dedicated her life to helping people as a child and family psychologist. She prepared me for some of the items on this list, but not all. It is my hope her passing will be a conversation starter between parents and children, so families may navigate a traumatic period of grieving with greater ease. It’s what she would have wanted.
Talk to your parents. Talk to your kids. Prepare for the inevitable. You will be glad you did when that unthinkable day arrives.
Scott Hamilton
Cambridge
